tw: pedophilia, incest, rape, sexual assault, physical abuse, suicide, self harm, emotional abuse, eating disorders.
There have been very serious allegations made against me by my ex-partner Maisy/Garden Angel. We were in a relationship between early 2019 to early 2021. I will go through the details of what she has accused me of, which consists of lies, deflection, or outright hypocrisy on her part as an emotionally manipulative predator. However, I will also go through the truth on my side with regards to acts of inexcusable misconduct I have also committed. I do not want this to be an attack on her character, I want to clarify the situation and simply give the truth to both of our actions. The first few sections address the actions of Maisy that can’t go unspoken, whereas the last sections cover actions on my part that I must own up to and take full responsibility.
The first time we started talking properly was on RYM around late September 2018, but we had known of each other's presence for some time before. We quickly hit it off in a discord chat and then started talking quite regularly, once every couple days - soon after we added each other on Facebook. At this point in time, I was 19 and she was 16. Some more context, I live in England and from the time I knew her she was living in Tennessee. The conversations were fun and light-hearted in nature whilst also sometimes talking about personal stuff. Given she opened up very fast about certain things in her life I felt comfortable talking with her about such issues.
Fast forward a few months, by March 2019 we were talking every day over voice call and being very affectionate to each other and saw it fit to progress things by becoming 'official partners'. She had just turned 17 and I was just about to turn 20. Despite this being legal on a technicality, I fully concede this is inappropriate behavior on my part and I have not had a relationship with this age gap since that point. I was excited for a first relationship and that weighed out against my better judgment; I still take full responsibility. However, I am not a "monster," and the truth about Maisy and what she has done has to come out at this point.
Screenshots below show a history of Maisy’s continued interest in lolicon and admitting herself to being a pedophile. Lolicon is not something that I have ever expressly been into. The only time I have ever sent lolicon to anyone is to her is within this specific dynamic. Screenshots show the dynamic in question. My messages are in pink, her’s in silver. It is worth noting that although she goes by Maisy now, during this time period she went by Alice.
March 16, 2021
November 11, 2020
May 26, 2019
February 19, 2020
In order to display the entire truth of the situation, it is crucially important to bring up two occasions wherein she admits to repeated molestation of a friend a year younger, as well as the confession of having sex with her cousin, who was 14 years old at the time. The first screenshot shows the former and the rest show the latter. The name of the victim has been censored in the first picture in the interest of anonymity.
March 27, 2019
August 4th, 2020
Later on, on August 20th, she claimed she made this story up.
The reason I didn’t report this incident, even given its extremely dangerous nature, is due to the uncertainty I had with regards to if this event actually happened. It was a common thread of behaviour to describe isolating herself before committing suicide much like how this event appeared to pan out, on top of the general shock of receiving such news. I did not want to report an incident I wasn’t 100% sure that had happened, which was coupled with these messages above. After hearing the initial news this incited me to break up with her, however after these messages a month later we got back in contact and resumed the relationship as I reasoned with her explanations for her actions, as she stated after a particularly bad episode she attempted suicide again, but after coming out of hospital her mood had lifted considerably.
I was initially relieved upon seeing her claim that she was lying about this. However given her past experiences with rape fantasies, manipulation, admitting to molesting her friend, along with what I will outline in the next section, it makes it much harder for me to believe, in retrospect, that she was lying about having sex with her 14 year old cousin.
One night on my 2nd visit to see her in Tennessee, Maisy raped me. While I was asleep, she woke me up by mounting me and attempted to penetrate me with her penis. Immediately when I figured out what was going on I tried to get her to stop and resisted, however this was very difficult given that her 15 year old sister was sleeping in the opposite bed and I did not want to wake her up. I was saying our safe word repeatedly whilst trying not to be too loud, however she did not stop. After her initial attempt, she penetrated me with her fingers as I was heavily resisting. I can’t exactly remember what happened afterwards, but I went back to sleep and we didn’t talk about it afterwards.
Because she penetrated me with her fingers as opposed to her penis, I didn’t consider it rape at the time. Later on, after I had returned to England, I occasionally told her how much I liked it and I resented myself for ‘not being into it’, as well as engaging in future rape fantasies with her. Given that we had talked about them in the past, I construed this action as being okay in my mind even though I was showing as clearly as possible to her that I did not want it at the time using the safe word. I was not aware of the extent to which I was manipulated by her into thinking this was acceptable behavior. I hadn’t publicly come forward about this due to being unequivocally sure she would greatly harm herself - this certainty will be established in the next section. Within my manipulated reasoning I considered I would rather stay private about this matter rather than hurt her.
Maisy has spent years threatening me with self harm and suicide to keep me in a relationship/friendship. I never told her to self harm or encouraged any eating disorders. Not only would she do it on voice call in order to get my attention, she romanticized it and used it as a tool of coercion.
March 14, 2019
July 26, 2020 (for context, Maisy was begging me to give her a password she made me set on her RYM account. She had asked me to change it because she didn’t want to get tempted and log in again. I gave her the password after this threat.)
July 19, 2019
March 28, 2019
October 15, 2019
January 7, 2020 (for context, she was Christian and at times before praying had helped her in a state of crisis.)
October 29, 2020 (The censored name is the same as the molestation victim)
November 11, 2020
November 18, 2020
To further reiterate, Maisy has consistently used the threat of suicide to manipulate and coerce me over the course of our relationship. Not included in the list of screenshots below was an incident on May 11th 2019 in which during a voice call with her, she consumed an entire bottle of pills and read out a suicide note to me. After managing to get her to vomit up the pills before they could properly take effect she went to hospital where she was treated and then institutionalized for several weeks. The majority of the relationship I would receive messages from her leveling the threat of suicide at me - I was constantly doing what I could to appease her and keep her alive, happy, and stable.
This was my first serious relationship I have ever had. It was difficult to make clear decisions with someone who would threaten to kill herself if I didn’t do something as small as tell her about a set I was making for a URLfest. I was concerned for Maisy’s life and well being constantly, and her suicidal behavior was a primary element of our relationship. At the time, it seemed to be something everyone goes through, and I had to be there for her and do my best to pull her out of what she was going through. The looming fear of losing a loved one made me feel obligated to stay and do whatever she wanted to make her happy and stable. In retrospect it's clear to me how constant this suicidal behavior was, and how unhealthy it was to be in this ready to appease her at all times mindset. Despite all of this, I understand there are still decisions I have made that in hindsight I shouldn’t have. I cannot erase these and for that I am genuinely sorry, to both Maisy directly and to anyone I have disappointed.
March 9, 2021
February 7, 2019
March 28, 2019
March 31, 2019 (again, any censored name is the molestation victim)
April 15, 2019
June 4, 2019
August 2, 2019
November 10, 2019
January 16, 2020 (for context, I commented ‘holy shit’ on an instagram selfie post of one of my friends.)
February 3, 2020
March 1, 2020 (for context, to explain my apparent levity in my responses here, this is due to how normalized the topic of Maisy killing herself had become at this point and at times I diminished the weight of it, making the sentence ‘fucking stay with me now or i’ll fucking kill myself’ seem unserious to me at that moment, even with how heavy and manipulative of a sentence it is.)
March 7, 2020
April 26, 2020
May 17, 2020
June 4, 2020
July 18, 2020
July 30, 2020
October 21, 2020
November 2nd, 2020
November 18, 2020 (the final messages exemplify her desire for age regression)
November 22, 2020
November 28, 2020
January 7th, 2021
February 17, 2021
I know Maisy has shared one sided messages in regards to me beating her, all of which were a very naive attempt to satisfy her desires. My engagement in these actions was not one sided abuse, but an attempt to please a partner who had indicated these desires towards me a multitude of times. We were very clear about safe-words and what was off-limits in roleplaying. Every conversation involving such actions were completely balanced and with mutual understanding of the circumstances. These first three messages are sent on RYM and are from her.
April 6th, 2019 May 11, 2019 January 15, 2020
Below is one of the screenshots she has posted in her attempt to frame me as a monster, what she failed to include was her eager response. The first message is mine (signified by “Sent on” before the timestamp), the second is hers. That message is not me coming out of nowhere with threats, but me trying naively to appease someone who is outright admitting to wanting to be beaten and taking a direct interest in trying to “pervert me.”
This is also not the first time I have had allegations from her leveled against me. Unfortunately I have no proof of this given it happened over a voice call, however in 2020 there was a time when she told her mum that I abused and beat her. Reasonably her mum was livid at me and it required a lot of explaining on my part to get her to understand what was actually going on, which meant I had to open up about a lot of private stuff about her daughter to her.
One of the screenshots shared on her story shows me saying “You look as cute then as you do now but idk the fact that you are younger is like, it’s hard to explain, it reminds me of when I first saw your pictures when you were that age and, well, got aroused”. At the time of this being written by me, it had been made very clear of her interest in age regression and “little girl” RP, which is another thing I was regrettably compliant with in order to appease her. This was not a dynamic that I initially brought into the relationship at all, rather her expressing her interest in it and me being complicit. Whilst I have already brought up my regrets about the age gap being just under 3 years, with me being 20 and her being 17, within the confines of the relationship, there was a clear understanding of her appreciation of me calling her younger than she was. This also involved various RP involving father/daughter with knowledge that it was expressly for RP purposes and purely consensual.
October 7th, 2019
December 23, 2019
January 6th, 2020
January 7th, 2020 (talking about when we were in Tennessee over summer 2019)
January 17th, 2020
February 17th, 2020
February 21st, 2021
Not near as heinous as the other accusations Maisy has leveled at me, but I want to clarify everything regardless. She asked me to do a remix of one of her tracks along with a vocal sample of hers. This ended up on All Singing, All Dancing, with her permission to use it on the album, and was released when we were together.
November 4th, 2019
February 23, 2020
With using 'Under Every Tree in England' as a song title: I thought it was simply a nice line that I wanted to use as a song title. 'Tennessee Transit' is an example of a personal experience involving the song 'Take it Away' by Paul McCartney playing over my phone speaker in a dream after we broke up that I saw fit for personal catharsis. Tennessee Transit’s theme was not about going over to have sex with her and I never wrote the poem as wanting to “fuck under every tree in england,” I really do not know how to refute her friends making shit up to that extent across social media. That picture of the AS,AD cover art is still up on my Spotify due to me thinking this was a non-issue as it was already cover art, and she had never expressed any disapproval prior; it has since been changed.
During 2 months in summer 2019 (a 3 week period and a 5 week period) we were together with her family in her house in Tennessee. During this time she requested for certain sexual acts to be filmed while we did them so she could see what it looked like. This content was never shared with anyone else, I haven't had it for years and it never will be seen by anyone else.
On the subject of underage fetish videos, this is, as an understatement, a monumental fuck-up on my part. On January 4th 2020, 2 months before she turned 18, she posted a vomit fetish video to a porn website of her own volition. After having told me she uploaded the video, I reacted not with immediate worry, but with an attitude that enabled further content to be made. This was in no way coercive or forceful, and no attempt was ever made to push her into sex work, however deeply regretfully I responded positively that she had posted the video. I understand how disgusting this behavior is and take full responsibility for not acting responsibly.
First of all I want to apologize directly to Maisy for enabling this. It was beyond wrong of me to react with any positivity around this matter and for this I am extremely sorry. I also want to apologize to everyone for causing such a horrible situation. In an attempt to validate her and appease her, and out of fear that it would cause any sort of spiraling, I commit gross misconduct and I am extremely sorry for every effect this has caused. This is behavior that I have since entirely moved away from however that doesn’t vindicate me or change the fact this situation arose in the first place.
My only other response to this allegation is to outline how there was no explicit coercion into producing sexual content. The screenshot below is when she was 18 years old.
April 8th, 2020
Talking About Porn
In one of the screenshots I am seen openly talking about porn when queried about my sexuality. At the time of this, I was 19 and she was 16. This was a severe act of misconduct on my part for which I sincerely apologize. This was a mistake, a bad action on my part, we had moments here and there of being crass and talking about stupid nonsense that veered into nsfw territory, and what I thought was okay really wasn’t. At the time I was fresh out of belonging to many old communities, particularly gaming communities for the last 5 years, wherein these sorts of explicit conversations were commonplace and strongly affected my better judgment. This of course does not excuse these actions at all and I acknowledge how inappropriate this was. Again, I am very sorry to anyone who I have let down by that comment.
This was the last point of contact I had with her before I cut ties. This kind of interaction was what I was extremely scared of and what I had tried to avoid many times, unfortunately informing many poor and rash decisions on my part previously. Countless times over the course of the relationship I would enable and appease certain actions in order for this event not to occur, showing an extreme lack of backbone on my part and making way for extremely poor decision making and moral judgment. Despite the worrying messages from her during this exchange, a day later (marked 3/27/21 in the chat log) it is clear how she brushed over her previous statements, exemplifying the turbulent and unstable nature of the relationship that made way for inexcusable actions on both of our parts.
Whilst I deny many of the allegations listed in the initial story posts, I take full responsibility for the many grossly misguided actions that I conducted or partook in over the course of the relationship. While it has been almost 3 years since it has passed and I have had time to work on myself since, there are still many things which I must take considerable time out in order to remedy within myself. It is incredibly evident from the events that transpired within this relationship that I have an extreme problem with trying to make other people happy with no regard for myself to a point of actively harming myself and others. This is a problem I have known about within me for a very long time now and whilst it has improved in recent years, it still requires a lot more attention in order to make a proper difference. To reiterate, this response is by no means meant as an attack, merely a full outline of the truth as it should be presented from both sides and to iron out any potential uncertainties. I am deeply sorry for how my actions have caused Maisy to believe I am a monster, how my actions have affected my peers, and the furthering effects this response might cause.
